


The Unlawful Adventures of Robb the Crowbar

by Colonel_Edd



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-19 17:59:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19137805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Colonel_Edd/pseuds/Colonel_Edd
Summary: I was listening to The Last Beacon and couldn’t stop thinking about Robb the Crowbar, this is just a little fic about how Ianto could have acquired said tool and what adventures they may have had through the years.





	The Unlawful Adventures of Robb the Crowbar

**Author's Note:**

> Be warned, this is another one of those stories I’ve written in the middle of the night whilst not entirely in the right mind. Nether the less I hope you like it :)

Ianto Jones had always been unusually attracted to dangerous and beautiful things. He was drawn to danger like a moth was to a flame, the excitement of it all, the thrill of escaping at the last second without getting caught. The higher the stakes the better, nothing gave him a rush quite like it.

So when a 14 year old Ianto, young scrappy and looking for a trouble, slinked into a hardware store he knew that while this was a big step up from nicking the odd magazine or energy drink, it was undeniably going to give him the thrill he so badly craved. How was he to know as he sidled down isle after isle of equipment that he would find something that would change his life so drastically from that moment onwards? 

It was always the smallest decisions a person made that could make the biggest of changes.

He was just hanging there on a shelf, shining like a beacon, calling out to him. Red and curved, the steel was cold to the touch and smooth under his deft fingers. As Ianto held the crowbar in his hands, weighing it subtly, he knew he was going home with it one way or another.

He’d only been caught shoplifting the once in the beginning when he was still learning the ropes as it were and had thankfully escaped with a light slap on the wrist, he’d refined his craft a lot since then though and was proud to say he hadn’t been caught since. It was almost too easy, after checking the coast was clear and his face was obscured from the CCTV obviously recording in the corner, Ianto unzipped his oversized hoodie and slipped the crowbar inside. From there it was a simple exit strategy, the trick was to leave quickly but not obviously and only start running once you were around the corner.

Adrenalin coursing through his veins, a grin split across Ianto’s face as he ran down the streets towards the estate, once he was there he was in the clear. While the estate was a shithole it was _their_ shithole and no matter who you were you covered for each other. If the pigs came sniffing around they would be met with a wall of silence, no one ratted anyone else out, it’s just the way it was. Treat your neighbour how you want to be treated and all that crap his mam spouted at him hoping at least some of it would stick.

“Toto!” Jumbo Jake called out from the corner he was dealing at as Ianto ran by, “Whats got you smirkin like that?” Eager to show off his latest prize, Ianto whipped out the newest addition to his collection with a cheeky grin, “Whoa, you nicked that?” Jumbo held his fist out, “Respect Toto, mad respect”

-

Ianto told his mates to shut the fuck up as he brandished his trusty crowbar in front of him like a golden ticket, he didn’t want to get caught now did he? Old man Perkins had owned the pub on the corner forever but after twelve fires in the last six months it looks like he’d cut his losses and closed up shop, “Come on,” Ianto groaned as he tried to pry the wooden boards over the back window open

“Come on Totes,” Skinny Jim egged him on as he shifted from foot to foot nervously, “Hand it over if y-”

Ianto mentally congratulated himself as the wood splinted and finally gave, a loud crack echoing around as they gained entrenched to the abandoned, slightly scorched pub, “You was chattin’?” Iggy shoved Jim in the shoulder as Ianto crawled in through the window first being the lightest and best at climbing, “Give us a hand up wontcha Toto”

Breaking into the closed down pub wasn’t glorious, the place stank of smoke and was completely empty but breaking in was more about the bragging rights than actually having a good time. Ianto left his crew to tag the place to their hearts content while he checked out the floor above, crowbar in hand just as a precaution. The place was as empty as predicted and Ianto wasted no time setting down his crowbar near the stairs, by now the red paint had chipped and the steel had lost the smooth feeling under his fingers but Ianto wouldn’t replace it. Call him sentimental but the idea of replacing it just felt wrong to him. He slipped his bag from his shoulders and began digging through his supplies. 

Ianto chose his signature colour and shook the can of red quickly, tagging the large wall at the top of the stairs with a small smirk on his lips.

“Totes, come on man!” Iggy called up the stairs as sirens wailed in the distance, “Someone tattled to the pigs, get ya scrawny arse down ‘ere”

“Keep yer hair on ya nutter” Ianto slung his bag back on his back and scooped up his crowbar on his way down, “Come on, lets split”

-

Lisa Hallet was beautiful, she was also dangerous but in a completely new way that both gave Ianto the rush he was constantly looking for and made him terrified at the same time. She was far too good for him and in all honesty he did feel bad for somehow tricking her into going out with him. He didn’t know how he did it, if he could bottle it he’d make a fortune. Either way he was far too selfish to let her go even if she did deserve someone better than him, he had found gold and they’d have to pry it out of his cold dead hands if they wanted it back.

They’d met at work, he’d literally bumped into her and sent them both sprawling to the ground in a tangle of limbs. She should have shoved him off and called him a clumsy idiot but instead she’d laughed at him and told him to buy her a coffee. From there things had spiralled and now seven months later Ianto found himself clutching a box of his stuff on her doorstep, “Hey, Ianto I was wondering when you’d get here. You can put your stuff anywhere” she pulled him inside her flat, _their_ flat now he supposed and wasn’t that amazing?

“I love you” Ianto put his box down on the floor and wrapped his arms around the woman he adored, he had more stuff waiting downstairs for him to bring up but it could wait, Lisa was far more important, “You’re amazing”

Giggling, Lisa pressed a kiss to his nose, “I love you too idiot, what’s gotten into you?”

“I’m just happy, really really happy” Ianto rubbed their noses together not caring if he looked like an idiot, “You make me happy”

“Okay Mr Cuddles” Lisa wiggled out of his hold, used to his little mood swings by now, “What’s in here?” She asked as she picked up a heavy box, “Did you bring your collection of bricks?”

“Ah no,” Ianto took the box from her with a faint blush, she didn’t know about his old hobbies and he wanted to keep it that way, “Just some tools”

Peeking inside the box, Lisa raised an eyebrow and picked out the ancient looking crowbar, “Do I want to know?”

“Nope,” Ianto took it back and made a mental note to hide it in the back of the cupboard from now on, “A man just needs his tools, y’know?”

“Fine, fine” Lisa rolled her eyes, “Keep your secrets, I’ll just ask your sister the next time I see her. Rhiannon will spill”

No she won’t, Ianto thought to himself as he went back downstairs to grab the rest of his stuff, she liked Lisa too much to risk scaring her away with tales of his troubled youth. What happened on the estate stayed on the estate.

-

Ianto was a pretty heavy sleeper, Lisa always told him he could sleep through the apocalypse but one thing he couldn’t ignore in his sleep was his girlfriend shaking him relentlessly, “S’too early” he grumbled when she didn’t give up

“Ianto,” she hissed, “I heard something, I think someone’s in the flat”

Suddenly wide awake, Ianto listened carefully and had to agree when he heard the unmistakable sound of footsteps, “Stay here” he whispered as he got out of bed

“What?!” Lisa looked at him like he was mad, “I’m calling the police”

Soundlessly making his way over to the wardrobe, Ianto agreed as he rooted around for something, “Good idea” his fingers found the familiar weight of cold steel pushed behind a hat box, “I’ll be a good host ‘till they get here” Before Lisa could complain or physically drag him back to bed, Ianto and his crowbar were creeping out of the bedroom, determined to protect their home. 

Armed and ready, Ianto tip toed as quietly as he could down the hall, avoiding the squeaky floorboard by the bathroom door and leant around the doorframe to see what he was dealing with. Three Males, all slightly uncoordinated and one holding a bottle of alcohol. Conclusion, they were drunk.

One was wearing an all in one tracksuit, smoking a fag by the window, another was drinking heavily from a bottle of straight vodka and the third was filling his rucksack with DVD’s from the entertainment centre. Now Ianto could play this one of two ways, go back to the bedroom and hide with Lisa, or pounce with the element of surprise on his side.

Was there ever really a question as to which option he would choose?

His years brawling on the estate had taught him three things, one, you don’t need to be the biggest man in the fight as long as you’re quick, two, everyone had a weak point and three, drunken bastards were the easiest of the lot to knock out, “Oi, wankers” he stepped out from behind the door and brandished his crowbar menacingly, “We can do this the easy way or the hard way”

Smokey threw his cigarette out of the window and cracked his knuckles and nodded at his drunken friend as the third barely paused from filling his bag with Ianto’s signed mint condition James Bond boxset, oh now he’s made this personal, “Get him”

“I was hoping you’d chose that option” Ianto grinned, oh it had been too long since he’d had a good brawl, London just didn’t live up to Wales in that respect. Swinging his crowbar, Ianto cocked an eyebrow, “Come and get it”

When the police arrived to find three groaning would be burglars tied up in the bathroom they struggled to wrap their heads around it, “And you say you’re the one who caught them?” The officer looked Ianto up and down, it didn’t help that he was still wearing his yellow duck pyjama bottoms and Star Wars sleep shirt, “By yourself sir?”

“Yes,” Ianto’s eyes flickered over to where he’d stashed his crowbar behind the TV when the police had arrived, he was hardly going to divulge his weapon of choice, “Is that a problem?”

“No sir,” the officer shook his head and gestured for his parter to move the burglars, “We’ll be in touch, thank you for your cooperation”

“The pleasure was all mine,” Ianto shook the officers hand, “Thank you”

It as almost ironic in a way, the crowbar he had once stolen for a thrill was now protecting the woman he loved from others seeking a thrill of their own. It was too bad they chose the wrong flat, he was never going to let anything happen to Lisa Hallet.

-

Jack collapsed breathing harshly next to Ianto as he tried to regain his composure a bit, “Well that was new” he panted, coming down from one of the best orgasms of his life, “We should fight more often if this is how you get once we make up”

“Shut up” Ianto huffed even if he agreed, that had been particularly good, even for them.

“I mean the way you used your _tongue_ -”

“Shut it” Ianto kicked half heartedly at Jack in a vain attempt to silence him, he should have known the other man would make a mountain out of a molehill and pretend to fall out of bed. Which of course he took too far and resulted in him actually falling out of bed, “Serves you right”

Jack didn’t sound too bothered though, “Ianto?” If anything he sounded both intrigued and aroused, “What do we have here?”

“What are you on about now?” Ianto sighed, sitting up to see what his lover was doing under the bed, “Oh” Jack was holding his crowbar and looking too excited for Ianto’s peace of mind, “That’s Robb”

“Robb?” Jack climbed back into bed, bringing Robb with him, “You named your crowbar? Why do you even have a crowbar?”

“Of course I named him,” Ianto wouldn’t say he snatched the tool from Jack but he didn’t exactly take it back gently, “You can never be too prepared”

“Is-”

Ianto knew what he was about to ask and nipped that idea in the bud, “Robb is not used for anything sexual” he emphasised, “ _Ever_ ”

“Fine, remind me to introduce you to my hokey stick though” Jack told him thoughtfully, resting his head against Ianto’s shoulder, “Tell me about Robb?”

Sighing, Ianto ran his finger down the chipped paint and rusting steel, really it was just a hunk of metal but it was so much more to Ianto, in many ways it represented him as a person. He had stared off shiny and new but over the years he had been chipped away at, rusting and ageing but still strong and reliable. He had been used to do terrible, dangerous, stupid things but at the same time he had also been used to protect the people and things he cared about.

“Well,” Ianto smiled, “it all started when I was looking for trouble in a hardware store…”


End file.
